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1. Thou shall not rent the movie “Chocolat”
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his fellow party-goers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother,
father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker,
you need not and should not provide any useful information
whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny
his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must
bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent
without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is
allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a
girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
7. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy
who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required
to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on
the classic 1-10 babe scale.
9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies
refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is
unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly
optional and slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your
buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should
you get carried away with your good deed and end up having
sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it,
even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy’s “ex”, you are required to ask his
permission and he in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated
as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the
ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see
nothin’.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is
beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend’s cat.
17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you
may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may
never ask who’s playing.
18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny
friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only
if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to
prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when
you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a
topless supermodel… and it’s free.
20. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman
must remain sober enough to fight.
22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight,
you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last
24 hours his actions have caused you to think, “What this guy
needs is a good ass-whoopin”, then you may sit back and
enjoy.
23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight
lifting: “Yeah, baby, push it!” “C’mon, give me one more!
“Harder!” “Another set and we can hit the showers.” “Nice
ass, are you a Sagittarius?”
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice
of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be
referring to his beer.
26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except
when she’s withholding sex pending your response.
27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal
footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In
all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you
may not, unless you are gay. |
