One day, a very learned man, while travelling in a poor country, decided to go across big river, so he asked one of the village people who owned a small boat, if he would take him, to this request the boatman agreed.

As they started, the sun became obscured by dark clouds, and as the river was large, the gentleman realised that the crossing would take some time. So he started a conversation with the boatman.

“Did you know that the sun is approximately 93,000,000miles away, and yet it has provided heat and light, throughout the universe since time immemorial, baring that, if it was to shift, even a fraction of an inch out of its orbit, there would be total devastation?”

The boatman replied; “My dear sir, I am just a simple man who has had no education, there is no way I could know such information”

“Then” said the gentleman “You are 25% fool”.
Some time passed, and as they were coming to the ½ way mark, the thunder began to rumble.

“Did you know notice the lightening, just before the rumbling sound”. The gentleman asked. He continued. “Do you know how that phenomenon occurs”

“No sir” replied the boatman.

“Its occurrence is due to the expansion of rapidly heated air,” the gentleman exclaimed, “ You are 50% fool.

About ¾ of the way the weather completely changed. It became dark and started to rain heavily and started filling up the little boat with water clearly making it difficult for the boatman. But the foolish gentleman insisted in questioning.

“Do you know how we get rain”,

“No sir,” was the reply.”

“ The sun evaporates water from the sea, this gets stored in the clouds which then travel by be wind power, then when they become full, it lets all the water go, over the land. That’s how we get rain.”

“You are 75% fool.” Said the gentleman, now feeling very smug.

The gentleman was suddenly interrupted from his basqueing by a loud cry from the boatman, “Oh no! I have lost my oar and now the water is about capsize the boat, we have no alternative but to swim the remainder of the way, luckily for us it is not very far.”

 “But I can’t swim,” cried the gentleman now seeing his own imminent death.

 “Then my dear sir, you are 100% fool” said the boatman.

Items you will need in your Redneck Emergency Preparedness Kit

Smokes and Chew: Marlboro Lights for a category one hurricane or tornado, Marlboro Mediums for a category two or three, Marlboro Reds for a category four. You need a serious smoke for a serious hurricane. Chew is important because it counts  towards your daily supply of vegetables.

Booze: Hide the Budweiser and have a couple cans of Milwaukee's Best in case strangers stop by or you need to barter with neighbors. Follow this safety rule for consuming alcohol in emergency situations: beer for morning and Jack Daniels for afternoon and evenings. If you are too drunk to walk then use your ATV otherwise it will take you forever to get anywhere.

Food: Slim Jims and if you want to live large get some mustard for dipping, beef jerky, pork rinds and anything that was on the table that the dogs didn't eat or wasn't sprayed with Raid when you were clearing cockroaches during dinner. 

 A Boat: A true redneck has a boat in his yard for years at a time without ever using it once. That's because it's for emergency purposes. I highly recommend a two-stroke motor that will always start after it's kicked a few times. Preferably that motor will be a Johnson, because jokes about your Johnson never get old.

Pickup Truck: A redneck is a man that has less than 50% of his vehicles running at any given time. It's easy to tell the vehicle that is driven the most by counting the 7-11 hotdog containers on the floor. But, when a hurricane hits, it's certain that a redneck in a Ford F-150 that is held together with bondo will be pulling your Lexus out of a ditch. And remember, that's not just a redneck's truck; it's where his kids were conceived so understand that bench seat is sacred ground.

A Dog: A dog will tell you if something is edible or not.

A Flashlight: You need one in addition to the light the family uses at night to go out to the bathroom.

A Radio with a Powerful Speaker: That way you have something to drown out the wife, kids, mother-in-law, your sister-in-law Crystal, your sister Crystal, cousin Crystal, and your neighbor Crystal and her daughter little Crystal.

Home Security System: 

Buy a pair of size 14-16 work boots.  Put them on the front porch with a copy of your most recent assault charge.

Put some giant dog dishes next to the boots and court papers.  

Leave this note on your door: "Jake and Buster: I went for more ammo & beer. Back soon. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they messed the mailman up bad this morning. I don't think Satan took part; hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. The cops will be back too.

Guns and Ammo: I'm not talking about the magazine. Looters will be shot on sight and their loved ones can buy their watches and rings back from the pawn shop.

And personally, I'd like to say that if you have a gun, then squirrel is always on the menu if a disaster causes the traffic to be bad.

Get yourself prepared in case you have a shortage of rednecks in your area. Don't expect the government to be able to get to you or provide for you. And of course, stay loaded my friends.